Fandom: Star Wars
Written For: fanfic50
Prompt: #020 Write
Characters: Obi-Wan. Padmé is mentioned.
Word Count: 1,018
Rating: G, PG-13 towards the end if you read it a certain way *cough*
Summary: Obi-Wan writes a love letter.
Author’s Notes: Well, with a prompt like Write, what else could I do? ;) The title comes from a poem I had to read in grade 9 entitled Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird. I thought it was fitting for this kind of a fic. Obi-Wan does indeed find eleven ways to write the letter. Count ’em up!
How did one write a love letter?
Obi-Wan wished he knew.
He was sitting in his quarters with a flimsi spread out before him. Dear Padmé, he wrote. Then he paused. Was dear the best way to begin a love letter? It might make her think he was being too forward.
Obi-Wan crossed out his first line and wrote:
I have waited for a long time to tell you this. I’m not sure exactly how to begin. I know what I am about to say is probably not proper, but I’ve come to the point where I don’t care.
He paused again, chewing on his pencil. He WANTED to write:
I think about you all the time. When I fantasize at night, I fantasize about you. I have had to reinforce my Force shields so Anakin won’t suspect what I’m thinking. I can’t explain why I love you. I can only say that I do. I love you. I love you.
But Obi-Wan knew that would sound ridiculous, and more to the point, it might even scare her. Especially the part about him fantasizing about her at night. It was true, he did fantasize about her during his nightly ministrations to himself, but he wasn’t about to admit that to her. He would take that secret to his grave if it killed him.
Obi-Wan turned his focus back to his letter.
I know it must seem strange, that a Jedi would lust after a Senator. We are not permitted to love, after all. But what the Jedi believe in is the principle of non-attachment, and I believe a person can still be in love without being attached. Being a Jedi means allowing things and people to pass out of one’s life, and could it not be argued that the process of love is much the same, a subtle dance of give and take?
He paused again. This letter was beginning to sound a tad too lecture-like. And he wasn’t sure he liked the word lust. His feelings for Padmé ran deeper than simple lust. He was attracted to her for her principles, for her outlook on life, for her understanding of how precious each moment was. Obi-Wan crossed out lust. Above it he wrote would be attracted to a Senator. This was only a rough draft, after all. He could always copy it again with the correction. But he liked how poetic the words sounded, even if they were lecture-like.
His confidence bolstered, Obi-Wan continued.
When did I first begin to love you? The first time I saw your tresses cascading down your back, the first time I saw your eyes, shining brown like chocolate, the first time I heard your voice, singing to me like music. I have loved you since before I met you.
Yick! He crossed out the entire paragraph. Padmé would get a sugar overdose just by looking at it. Those were Obi-Wan’s true feelings, but there had to be a better way to express them. Perhaps he should focus on the fact that even though these feeling were forbidden for a Jedi, he still had them and it seemed impossible for him to meditate them away.
I understand how you might be questioning the depth of my feelings. But I assure you, I could not rid myself of them even if I were to try. I have tried, many times, and found it impossible. Ever since the assassination attempt, ever since Naboo even, I have found myself drawn to you in a manner I can’t fully explain.
Yes. Yes: good. Obi-Wan wrote faster now, emboldened by his success. His writing became messier as he hurried to express his thoughts.
I have no idea if this attraction is mutual, and I have come to accept the fact that it probably is not. I don’t expect you to reciprocate these feelings, although I were certainly be pleased and touched if you did. But you are a Senator, and I a Jedi, and the limitations on our mutual lives – the ones you have placed upon your life, and the ones placed upon me by the Jedi Code – make any union between us impossible. I recognize this, but I had to tell you of my feelings. I cannot help them, and I think I should make them known even if only through such means as a letter.
Again Obi-Wan paused. There was something missing here, something undeniable, but … what was it? Then the answer came to him. Anakin.
He sighed. How could he have missed the detail that his former Padawan was as closely linked with Padmé as he was, possibly romantically as well as in friendship? No one could miss the gleam that appeared in Anakin’s eye whenever Padmé’s name was so much as mentioned. And for all Obi-Wan knew, Padmé might have the exact same feelings. He hoped not, but …
For all I know you could even be involved with someone else. Your personal life is not my business, and therefore I beg you to dismiss this letter if you so desire. I don’t wish either myself or my feelings to be a burden.
Yet that was just a tad too polite. He crossed it out and wrote:
I don’t know anything about your personal life at the moment, nor is it my right to know such things. I just thought, given the state of our galaxy today, that you might want to know that there is still a man with feelings for you as pure as the morning sunrise. I love you. It’s rare for me to attach myself to someone, and I wouldn’t classify this as an attachment. It is simply a love. And I want you to consider it as such.
There. That was about as perfect as he could make it. Obi-Wan signed his name, recopied the letter so that it was free of cross-outs, and sealed it in an envelope. Then, with a sigh, he dropped it into the nearest trash receptacle and went to his room.
Some attractions could only be settled one way.